Well, it’s time for another week of Raw. Let the madness begin.
Raw opens with the new Intercontinental Champion Roman Reigns who comes out to a great reception. It worked. The Shield reset worked for Roman. Good job WWE.
Cole tells us that the image of Roman became WWEs most “liked” Instagram post of all time. See…I am not alone. We finally got rid of that awful awful Miz IC title run and people liked it. Fuck The Miz.
“You deserve it” chants for Roman?! Holy shit. The Miz dropping the title he ruined made people chant “You deserve it” at ROMAN REIGNS!
Roman starts the IC Title Open Challenge thing. The Mizettes appear and introduce Elias. Please, for the love of Satan herself, keep Elias away from Dallas and Axel. Jesus please god no. Elias challenges Roman for the belt later tonight.
Make it stop. Make this stop. Cole tells us that Sheamus is in Ireland and Ambrose is on his honeymoon. Even these things could not stop WWE from keeping this feud going and booking Rollins and Cesaro in a match we have seen 789 times in one guise or another.
Send them to separate brands. Create new brands. Buy TNA and send two of them there. Whatever it takes, do it. This has to stop.
Commentators telling us how tough Cesaro is because he didn’t take time off after the teeth thing. He’s the heel, lads. You should be telling us about how much of a bastard he is, not how resilient he is. Jesus fuck.
Cole tells us for the fourth time in 10 minutes that Sheamus is on his “annual sabbatical in Ireland” and Dean “is on honeymoon in Hawaii”. We get it. We heard you the first three times.
“How much did the impact take out of Rollins, landing on his own back?” – Cory. FUCKING LOLS!
We just had our third ad break of this match. A four segment match. Wow. I can’t enjoy a match with one ad break let alone three.
Rollins gets on the mic to once again tell us that Sheamus is in Ireland and Dean is on honeymoon. WE GET IT! THEY ARE NOT THERE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WE GET IT!
Next week we have The Bar vs Rollins and Ambrose. Dear. Fucking. God. It will never end.
Backstage we have the 205 Shirts complaining about the 205 Skins. General Manager Kurt Angle™ makes 94 Fatal Four Way matches to find a new challenger for Enzos lady.
Michael Cole welcomes us back from break to Raw presented by Budweiser “Give A Damn”. Remember everybody, even though that is Buds motto here tonight a WWE writer or intern had to type those words on a script. It doesn’t seep in while they write it but the delicious irony isn’t lost on me.
I expect swift death. Poor Titus. Where does this leave Titus Worldwide?
After the match Apollo Crews appears and is also choked out. Rough night for Titus Worldwide.
During the ad break this Chrisley clown talks about “swamp balls”. Wrestlers are scripted to within an inch of their lives and during the break they can say swamp balls. Okay so!
Mickie and Bayley don’t make it to the ring. PMS show up and we see footage of Mickie and Bayley beaten up backstage. Crowd couldn’t care less. This is bad.
So, they are called “Absolution”. Mandy and Sonya put Paige over on the mic to “WHAT” chants. This is so so so bad. They try to make Sasha join them but Sasha says no. Then…death.
This was so bad. Paige could be dead in the water already! Maybe it’s just a bad crowd.
Well, at least it’s over now. What’s next? OH GOD BRAY WYATT! If Finn Balor is involved in any way here…
Speaking of dead in the water…
“Now stay with me here, this may be hard for you to understand.” – Bray Wyatt, Nov 2017.
That was an actual quote by Bray Wyatt in a Bray Wyatt promo. “You’re all dead” he said over and over. Ironic.
Imagine this match 12 months ago? Amazingly an ad for glasses airs right after starring an owl. An owl!
The crowd are absolutely pooped. After the match Matt is in the corner and…oh man…they are doing it! He’s DELETING!!! Oh my god. Please do it. Just do it!
Backstage we have Lil JJ talking to big Papa Kurt. An hour and 36 minutes into the show and we have our first GM/Authority figure appearance. Nice!
Flippy flipp flipparoo! Bray Wyatt was correct, the crowd is dead. Poor guys. Fun match and they gave them loads of time! Hopefully that is a trend that continues. I enjoyed this match.
Elias comes out to sing a song about The Miz. Come on guys, distance him from The Miz. I love Elias.
In a shocking turn of events Elias completed a song without being interrupted! Then a second! It was awful stuff with The Mizettes but I laughed! I don’t know if it was good or bad but I know that it entertained me.
Elias is money. Money!
This was a fantastic match, PPV quality. This is what we were missing with the boring Miz run. Elias and Roman were brilliant. Here, take a look.
I call Elias “Hobo Macho Man” and that name is even more perfect now. He does a top rope elbow now, a great one. Great match, fuck The Miz.
The old wrestling adage applies here. Roman went over, Elias got over.
Great stuff! Oh…here’s Dana Brooke in a pre recorded promo because they cant let her speak live.
Dana charges at Asuka and boom, it’s over.
I like it! They are starting to repair the initial damage done when she debuted.
The Absolution ladies show up and surround the ring. Asuka stands her ground as the others get back down from the apron. Not even a 3 on 1 situation scares Asuka. Well done Main Roster, you finally get it.
I don’t like Lil JJ’s chances here. JJ’s offence is having no effect on Kane. JJ sells the knee injury again and is counted out.
Kane starts beating JJ up pretty badly until Finn Balor shows up to make the save. Hes wasn’t in any rush though! I guess he was soaking up the crowd reactions…ya know…because HE IS OVER.
A back and forth match where once again Balor works the idea of him being able to beat the Super Heavyweights. He attempts to chop the big man down etc. Simple logic works, it’s what we all grew up watching.
Balor hits a plancha to the outside. Kane is getting annoyed at Balor for having the upper hand and hits Finn with a chair…several times.
Kane gets the chair and wraps it around Balors neck then stands on the top rope. I wonder who will make the save?
Braun comes out holding his throat after the attack last week. Kane hits him with a chair…Braun no sells it before kicking Kane in the face. He beats Kane down with the steel steps then hits the powerslam on said steps. Braun gets his own back on Kane by doing the chair throat thing. Kane scarpers into the night, a broken demon.
Well, that was a mixed bag episode of Raw. There was so much crap as usual but we have the start of Broken Matt Hardy so that fixes everything. The IC title match was fantastic, Roman and Elias stole the show.
Also, no Miz, no Stephanie McMahon, no Triple H. No misery.