We begin the post “one night a year Raw and Smackdown superstars compete in head to head competition” era with tonight’s Raw. I bet Cole still has to say it 900 times.
There’s one point I would like to make though. The “one night” they droned on about constantly for the last month started with a Raw vs Raw match on the preshow. WWE logic. Elias couldn’t have wrestled Aiden English or have a cross brand Battle Royal or you know…a Survivor Series match with midcard guys? No?
Also…they kept score for each brand on the main card but not the preshow. This furthers my “fuck the preshow” stance. It now OFFICIALLY does not exist. I do not recognise the preshow, WWE doesn’t count it in storyline and if you all stopped watching it the world would be a better place.
Lastly, why keep score if there was no prize for victory? Did Raw get draft picks or anything? Even if Triple H won a washer/dryer it would at least explain the stakes. I just care about motive in storyline, don’t judge me.
Anyway, here’s The Authority.
(I typed all of this at 9pm, Raw starts at 1am. Was I correct?)
I’ll give this five minutes. Steph says Kurt’s job is safe and introduces the up and coming star of Survivor Series, Triple H.
ITS NOVEMBER 2017! Triple H and Stephanie are opening the show again. Can’t we just have Cole welcome us to the show live from Big Bastard Arena in downtown Fuck Knows Missouri, the bell rings and we have a match?
Kurt comes out and gets in the face of the rookie Hunter Hurst Helmsley. He says he will not accept his treatment last night. Jason Jordan appears and gets in HHH’s face. JJ wants a match with HHH. Steph tells Kurt that he “does not have the authority to make that match”. I hope that’s a botch…why does the GM not have authority to make matches? All night we will have Cole tell us that “General Manager Kurt Angle™ made it official in the break” so he does have that power…that’s his one job, Steph…you spectacular bore.
Fuck sake this show is terribly written.
Braun Strowman gets up in Triple H’s face now too. A rough night for the newcomer. Looks like he’s got heat with the boys worse than Lio Rush. Triple H backs off.
The crowd chant “you’re a coward” at HHH. Stop encouraging this you clowns! This is why we can’t have nice things. The crowd actually liked JJ here for getting up in Tripseseseses face and were flat and confused when Steph made a match between Braun and JJ. What the fuck?
Anyway, we have Joe facing Balor next. That will at least be fun.
“What an effort by Raw last night!” – Cole
“Haaaaaaaa! We did it!” – Booker T
Yaaaay! This is great. Joe hits an incredible suicide dive/diving forearm to the outside. Slow mo was amazing. Joe chokes Balor out without the tap out. Perfect stuff. Both guys looked great and Balor went to sleep rather than tap out. Looking forward to see what they can do with a renewed feud on the main roster.
Later we have Miz TV with Roman Reigns. Okay, that’ll do. I’m off lads, I will finish this tomorrow. I lasted 34 minutes this week which is 33.5 more minutes than last week. Fast forward button will be my friend tomorrow!
Backstage Jason Jordan tells Kurt that he’s hurt. He then decides that he can compete and will face Strowman. Okay.
Asuka gets a great reaction thankfully. Dana gets an entrance. Dana has a pre recorded promo that aired during her entrance, it was god awful. She says she will take Asuka’s undefeated streak. How is this woman working for the biggest wrestling company in the world when she can’t wrestle or talk? Asuka wins with a spin kick to the head.
Let that be the end of it, release her. James Elsworth is gone but Dana Brooke and Alicia Fox are still here stealing a living. Something is very wrong there.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh here we go
I just hope this ends with Roman taking the IC title from Miz. That or anybody really. Apparently Neville is coming back, can’t Neville be the IC Champ? Or Dana Brooke, or Michael Cole. Anybody.
The Shield appear. I was just DYING to see Ambrose and Miz in the same ring again. Even WWE writers knew having Miz and Roman talk on global TV was a bad idea.
This is the worst crowd in the history of crowds. Both The Shield and half of the crowd are shocked by a “Miz is Awesome” chant…then the lights went out. Karma. This is awful.
Roman wants the IC Title. Please let this happen. Please get this title off of this clown. The Mizettes say that Shield need to go through them first. Then there was the death. Triple Powerbomb etc.
That was awful television but if it gets the IC Title off of The Miz it was worth it.
This is the matchup that will never end. Wonder if this ends in a brawl due to interference by Rollins and Cesaro leading to a tag match next week? Maybe the 978th meeting of these four men next week will be the blow off match? There was a nice spot where Sheamus hit Dean with a big boot after that stupid rope spot he does. At least that shows that they have learned from their 977 precious encounters.
“Look at Dean Ambrose he says Ow! When one of us says Ow we know it really hurts!” – Booker T
This was after Booker told us Dean can take it all night then Cory told us Sheamus can dish it out all night. Strange. Rollins attacked Cesaro, Dean wins via distraction. Yeah. Next week, tag match.
I bet The Bar interfere in the IC match.
Backstage JJ asks Matt Hardy for advice in facing Strowman. In Nov 2016 Matt Hardy was the hottest act in Wrestling. Started from the Battlefields of Massacre. Now, we here.
Alexa talks shite. Then Mickie shows up with the biscuit butt stuff. Then Bayley, then Sasha, then Alicia Fox.
“This has been a colossal waste of my time” – Alexa Bliss. Nailed it.
Paige will run in.
Paige shows up after the break. Sticking her tongue out wasn’t the smartest thing in the world…I mean…the photoshops will be along shortly. She says she didn’t come alone. We know, there were three people there – You, Maddox and Woods.
Oh wait, Sonya Deville and Mandy Rose are here! I love Sonya. This is fun, women’s division badly needed new blood.
That was fun. Can we not have Paige say “come” or stick her tongue out. Too late now. Seriously lads.
In all seriousness I’m glad to see Paige back looking well after all that stuff with that scumbag Del Rio. That was manipulation of the highest order and the dude is pure trash.
Also Paige, Mandy, Sonya. You KNOW somebody is frantically trying to stop Vince from calling them PMS. You just know it.
Paige and the girls beat up Alexa backstage. Soooooo…heels or??
Pray for Jason Jordan. Booker T is a fan of JJ this week, he spent weeks hating on JJ. Even Cole laughed and called the table Bizarro World. He finally gets it.
Match looked fun for 30 seconds until JJ sold the knee and then Kane showed up. Kane beat up Braun and slammed him into the steps with a chair under his neck.
Why is Kane on TV?
Enzo runs down what being around him has done for Dar, Neese, Daivari and Gulak. Well, Gulak has benefitted for sure! He’s great. Just as Gulak was starting to talk Rich Swans music hits, why?! Let Gulak speak! Swan, Alexander, Tozawa and that cheating bastard Mustafa Ali (continuity folks, fuck that guy) show up to lay claim to Enzo’s lady, his Cruiserweight Championship. This shockingly results in a brawl as we go to break!
A fresh approach here in the Raw presentation of the Cruiserweight Division, an 8 Man Tag. I named them above, I’m not typing it again. Its Faces v Heels. Shirts v Skins. Game on!
I love the new Prize Fighter look for Enzo. Even the commentators popped for Enzos comments during the match. Enzo Enzo Enzo, I love Enzo. Fuck The Miz…and that cheating title costing bollocks Mustafa Ali.
Oh yeah, journalism. Flips. Dives. Indie Forearms. Pinfall.
Slow Mo of Ali’s inverted 450…incredible. What a move…the bastard.
Backstage we see Kurt checking on JJ when Miz shows up. Leave him alone Miz! He’s checking on his baby boy!
Dear WWE writers. JJ can be Kurt’s son without making him out to be a 12 year old. Is that what you think when you think “son”? A child? Creative. Membah Survivor Series? “I hope HHH is eliminated and THEN Raw win!”. You are a week away from giving him a juice box and a happy meal.
I feel like this show will overrun again. It’s 2 hours and 40 mins into the show with a Title match to come.
“Sir I’m going to ask you to stop clapping along its throwing me off!”. Brilliant. Elias is great. Matt Hardy shows up and puts a whoopin’ on Hobo Macho Man. This could be a fun feud if Matt is allowed to be creative. Elias is great. What’s not to like here?
LETS GO ROMAN! *Clap Clap, Clap Clap Clap!
Never before have I wanted WWE to make The Big Dog look more strong than now.
Loud “Let’s Go Roman” chants break out…in my living room. The crowd is actually cheering Roman, I guess The Shield stuff is working for him.
This is a fun match, both guys look great. Yup, called it. Here come The Bar, oh look…here come Dean and Seth. Kicky punchy. Fighty Fighty.
Roman hits the spear. 1…2…3!!!!!
YAAAAAAYYYYYY! THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER!
Today is a great day. The world’s most boring IC title run comes to an end. We’re free from this hellish Miz bastard.
In all fairness that might have been the best match The Miz has ever had so fair play to him there. It only took 10 years. Sorry, couldn’t resist. Raw goes off the air with The Shield stealing Rusev’s gimmick of being elated. Wink.