Raw opens with word that John Cena vs Roman Reigns at No Mercy will be made official later tonight. It looks like it will be a contract signing. I sure hope it doesn’t descend into violence.
The Miz is in the ring. As soon as he attempts to speak Kurt Angle’s music hits. Kevin Dunn is the biggest babyface in the history of the business. The Miz tells Angle that the Intercontinental Title not being at Summerslam showed a lack of respect. But, it will be defended at No Mercy. Kurt Angle says he wants to showcase the title and give it the respect it deserves. Finally. Angle announces a Battle Royal where the winner gets a Championship Opportunity™ next week against The Miz. That Battle Royal starts…right now!
Michael Cole calls Curt Hawkins “Curtis Hawkins” twice. He’s a top notch broadcaster.
In the middle of the match the former Bullet Club finally realise that they know each other. They try a Too Sweet but Hobo Macho Man breaks it up by attacking Balor. Serves Balor right! He interrupted so many of Elias’s musical performances…revenge.
Its very hard to follow a three segment Battle Royal where people are eliminated during a commercial break for a Red Lobster promotion called “CrabFest”. Raw is a Crab Fest if you ask me.
Matt Hardy is eliminated by the Good Brothers rather controversially.
BALOR AND JEFF HARDY STARE EACH OTHER DOWN! Oh boy!
“Slingblade! Oh my god Balor caught him high”. That’s literally the idea of the move, Cole. You might say it’s entire purpose is to do that.
Bray Wyatt appears using his bastard magic and eliminates Balor. Fuck my life.
Jeff Hardy wins! Does this mean we are finally on the road to Broken Matt??
If Jeff Hardy beats The Miz next week (he won’t, it will be dragged out until No Mercy) I will throw a parade in Vince McMahon’s honour.
Enzo Amore is to have his first Cruiserweight match next.
Latin Renee Young interviews Alexa Bliss backstage. Alexa once again comes with the stats. Sasha Banks has yet to successfully defend the Raw Women’s Title in all of her reigns…if you can call them that. Alexa is great. Sasha is great. Latin Renee Young is great. Everybody is great! Except for The Miz. Fuck The Miz.
Enzo’s music hits and he introduces himself rather elaborately. We see a replay of Big Cass getting hurt last week. Enzo claims credit for the injury. He uses that as an example of his credentials. LOLS. I love Enzo but come on.
Quick trainwreck of a match where Enzo botched the finish. I love him sometimes.
Latin Renee Young asks Neville for his opinion on Enzo. He describes him as “The Charismatic Dynamo”. Well, we have another nickname! Derp.
Heyman explains how Braun murdered Brock at Summerslam, but his client still prevailed and walked out with his Universal Title. Paul E is really putting Braun over. Heyman refers to himself as “Uncle Advocate”. Love it.
The promo ends with Brock grabbing the mic from Paul and calmly, yet murderously saying: “What he’s trying to say is Suplex City, bitch!”
BROCK SAID A NO-NO WORD!
What a great segment. Everything these two are involved with feels Box Office.
Seth Rollins is out next, perhaps to burn it down and such. We still don’t know what he wants to burn down. Hopefully it’s another weekly mystery saga involving Cory Graves and his phone.
We have an entire ad break and when we come back Rollinseseses music is still playing. Rather than go to the match we go to a video package for Cena vs Reigns, introduced by Michael Cole. They show most of Raw from last week, even The Miz part where he cut a great promo, (props where props are due) and we go back live to Rollins still in the ring. Comfortably five minutes of a live crowd listening to his music as he stands in the ring. It was nice of Cesaro to wait for the video to end before he came out for a fight.
What does Vince think will happen in this Cena vs Roman match? Seriously.
The commentary team give a very long shout-out to Super Sport, an African TV station. Remember when they did this with India and they had a Canadian enhancement guy become Indian AND WWE Champion? Are they going to make Curt Hawkins an African guy now for his rise to Universal Championship glory? I will pay good money to see that.
Pretty good match. Great spot where Cesaro lifted Rollins over his head Ultimate Warrior style…but he didn’t go for the Ultimate Splash for the win. Cesaro killing the business or something. Cole struggling to NOT call these Clotheslines “Rainmakers”. Stack up pin after a distraction by Sheamus and Cesaro wins it.
Sheamus seems to be getting ready for an impromptu match.
Where is General Manager Kurt Angle™ in all of this? I guess we’ll find out as Raw Continues™. Luckily the match is made official during the break. They must have had the Tennessee State Athletic Commission on standby should a match need to be made during a commercial break. SMRT.
A back and forth match filled with distractions and stuff. Crowd was dead, pretty much the same here live on the couch. Meh.
This feud is the pits but can be recovered. Why can’t S&C just interrupt The Shield 2.0 during matches with other teams? The back-to-back singles match idea has already been done with these guys. Do something new.
Backstage we see Emma talking to Mickie James about trending on Twitter. Emma goes on for decades about hashtags. Mickie James says if Emma beats her she’ll tweet any hashtag she wants. If Mickie wins, Emma has to stop saying she started the Women’s Revolution. Who gives a flying fuck? Unless she really means ANY hashtag. #WengerIN would be my suggestion.
Pretty short match where very little happens but Emma steals the win.
Emma then spends hours on the mic telling us that she started the women’s revolution. I dont get where they are going with this.
Kurt Angle is in the ring to tell us how historic this first time meeting of The Big Dawgs really is. Cena comes out to the usual mixed reaction, Roman to massive boos.
This was so good and I really didn’t think it would be. You know what…just watch it. Words won’t do it justice.
Cena was absolutely fantastic here, Roman too but Cena really drove it. There is a bit that WWE clipped out from the video above where Roman seemed to forget his line and Cena buried him for it. It was hilarious but I don’t think it hurt the segment at all.
I felt a bit for Roman here but Cena is right. If he wants to be the face of the company he needs to step up. He should have moved on when he forgot the line. He just stood there silently. I guess if he wasn’t so heavily scripted he would have developed some skill for it by now but hey. Loved it all the same.
Let’s try something shall we? Keep Roman’s mic time to a minimum. Make him a quiet badass. It has worked for him recently! He’s not on Cena’s level on the mic.
“I’m the one guy in the WWE that John Cena can’t see.” – Roman Reigns
“I’m still here becuase you can’t do your job.” – John Cena
I loved everything about this segment.
The build to this match could be great, the match will be awful. Let’s be honest. Please WWE for the love of all that is holy treat this like Austin and The Rock, do not let them touch until the match. Let the anticipation build!
So, WWE absolutely nailed it with that segment so guess what happened next? They put them in a tag match against the Good Brothers! Why?! Leave it there. It was perfect! They just spent 10 minutes verbally assaulting each other FFS!
Lots of Superman Punches, 5 Knuckle Shuffles and Drive-bys. Much top guy things, very wow.
Cena sarcastically clapped for Roman’s performance as they have a big stare down.
Elias sings a song about Memphis until Jerry Lawler appears. The King brings out a competitor from local promotion Southpaw Regional Wrestling, Impressive Pelvis Wesley. Wesley does his dance in the ring as Hobo Macho Man feigns that he will join in before destroying the young talent with his massive violence moves.
Elias is so comfortable on the mic and is improving in the ring. He looks the part, he has an actual character and is different to the rest of the roster. Give him the Intercontinental Title. I know what you’re thinking, “A guitarist as IC Champ, that’ll never get over!” but I think it could work. Wink.
Backstage, regular Renee Young asks The Miz how he feels about facing Jeff Hardy next week with his title on the line. The Miz walks off. Brilliant. Keep going Miz, down the yard and out the gate!
Still backstage, Latin Renee Young is with Sasha Banks who tells us that she will defend the title and break her run of bad luck with Title defenses…yeah…we all know where this is going. #AndNew.
There’s a bit of a Big-Fight-Feel for this one! Hard hitting shots from both women throughout the match which was back and forth all the way. I really enjoyed the believable shots both were throwing here…and the Superplex! Good stuff. The match ends with a vicious impaler DDT and Alexa regains the title. Great match!
Here comes Nia Jax to celebrate with Alexa. She raises Alexa’s hand in victory before hitting her Manslaughter Run-and-Splash on Banks in the corner. R.I.P Sasha Banks.
Nia then puts Alexa up on her shoulders to further cement their relationship as best mates. But no! Manslaughter Drop!
Nia drops Alexa both physically and metaphorically. She then holds the Women’s Title high as a “YES” chant breaks out…dear god this crowd needs a kick. Nia Jax turns face after crushing the face Sasha Banks 19 seconds earlier. I don’t think they know how wrestling works.
Well, thats Raw. Pretty decent show even without that lovable Strowman scamp.