WWE Raw Recap 17.07.17 – “Guv’ment took mah baby!”

Welcome to Tuesday Afternoon Raw…recap. In the first of what will become a long line of Wrestling recaps I break down Monday Night Raw live at 1am here in Ireland. You people don’t deserve me.

The show opens with Dean Ambrose’s music as Michael Cole utters the first of over nine thousand nicknames to be used across the night. I consider drinking at 1am. Cory Graves calls him “The Lunatic Fringe” and Booker T mentions Dean wanting to take somebody to the “Ambrose Asylum”. I open my beer just as Ambrose starts going on about something or other, I bet it was wacky. This goes on for a while when Seth Rollins comes down to the ring, is he here to injure Ambrose? Rollins apologises for the breakup of The Shield, as well he should! If they had stayed together we would never have had to put up with Super Roman. Seth Rollins is the biggest heel in the history of the business when you think about it.

Out comes The Miz and his hired goons…here to do a massive violence, probably. Somehow Rollins and Ambrose managed to get overrun by guys that started on the outside of the ring, I still don’t understand how they let that happen. When one guy gets up on the apron you punch him in his face until he falls to the ground, it’s been happening since the 1980s, c’mon guys! Graves puts this over by spewing “Miz out-planned and outsmarted The Lunatic Fringe and The Architect” as “The clown at home” (Yours truly) opens his second beer of this still very young show. Call them by their actual names you bollocks!

The crowd yawns as vicious chair shots reign down on the former Shield brothers. I don’t know where this leaves Miz vs Ambrose Round 437 or what this segment accomplished outside of seeing Rollins and Ambrose work through their man-feels. Maybe that was it?

“Kurt Angle Comes Clean, later tonight!” TMI.

After the fresh Ambrose and Miz stuff a commercial airs for Jinder Mahal v Randy Orton. Super. Can’t wait to see that again…right, paying customers?

I watch the American coverage so a commercial for a crotch cooling cream airs, presented by Shaq. Fair enough.

We go back live to see Miz leave the arena, what a segment. It was short, The Miz is gone. It had it all.

Next up we have Bayley v Alexa Bliss. I guess Bayley is trying to “Knock off the champion…to be in line for a championship opportunity…and not end up in a “local medical facility.” Call them Wins and Title Shots and Hospitals Michael Cole you colossal bastard! The match starts and Nia Jax comes to the ring with a full entrance…then we go to break, odd. Now, I have a lovely nickname of my own for Nia Jax, it’s “Toilet”. In Ireland the word Jax is a colloquialism for Bathroom. Her name is Toilet, she has all the agility and talent of a Port-A-Potty, and you know what they say…if the seat cover fits….

So Toilet being out there means Sasha Banks has to come down to even the numbers. They fight outside causing a distraction which leads to Bayley beating Alexa clean as a whistle. Why do all champions have to lose on TV all the time? To get a fabled “Championship Opportunity™” you need to beat the champion…to fight for the right to beat the champion. It devalues the title, it devalues the champion and devalues my sweet sweet time. Ugh, Toilet. Go back up the ramp you nightmare.

A segment airs with WWE putting themselves over, “Philanthropy is the new marketing” and all that…ugh.

Enjoyed the pizza hut ad. Looked nice, that.

An ad showing Roman beating people up airs, the crowd boos it mercilessly. Pretty funny.

Cruiserweight time. Piss break. Titus Worldwide, represent. Davari comes out talking about an Iranian Olympian. Twice. Who is he? My Iranian Olympian knowledge is only basic.

Enzo! Fun! Yaaay. It only took 1 hour. Then an ad featuring Jinder airs, heel booking even on the ads.

I very much enjoy Enzo, his face should be on money. I will never see the logic in breaking Enzo and Cass up. They were selling merch by the container load, both were over as all hell and you toss that away along with both of their careers? Neither of them will do anything by themselves, Enzo could have been a manager…but you pissed on that Vince didn’t you?

Enzo does his thing and tricks Cass into a match with The Big Show, I missed the rest. Sorry. A guy won…I think?

I got back to my seat and cleared off the mounting empty beer cans needed to fully enjoy Raw to see Roman talk about his yard and how he is a large dog. Awesome, any other words to share with us Roman? Woof.

Balor! Balor! Balor! Finally something to watch!

Samson is money. Let him finish a song lads. Balor is pinned for a 2.9999 count. Cole pukes out “These WWE Fans were anxious”. Uhhh, Michael? They are not to be referred to as fans, it’s the “WWE Universe”…he can’t even be shit correctly. VKM is gonna beat him later like Samson did Balor. A full shot to the head with a real guitar?? Why wasn’t it a fake one? You’ll ruin Balors lovely face you monsters!

Bray out on the screen talking shite, his soul is thirsty apparently. I don’t listen to what he says anymore, I find singing the words to Karma Chameleon over his nonsense far more entertaining. Wash your hair, Bray! You’re on global TV.

We come back live to Sasha and Bayley in Kurt Angles office, somehow they are going to have Sasha v Bayley III on Raw next week. There’s no hope for this company, that’s a big deal, not to be given away on TV. UGH!

Cruiserweights! Time for a trip to the old Nia. I don’t know what happened. Google it.

Kurt Angle is out next to come clean, tissues at the ready…for your emotions of course. His big secret is that is son is Jason Jordan. Honestly did not think they could come up with something worse than wheeling Dixie Carter out there but hey! So this is awful, just awful AND we lose American Alpha as a tag team. They didn’t even use them, makes zero sense. Huge push for Jordan though, new star hopefully.

Good job though Kurt, you conceived a child along with a mystery woman with a broken freakin’ neck!

The Hardy Men v The Revival in a “what could have been” match, 15 minute time limit, one fall to a finish. Hardys are “Knocked Off” again. JUST MAKE THEM BROKEN, TNA DONT HAVE ANY MONEY TO SUE. Beer.

Can we exchange Bray Wyatt with TNA for the Broken gimmick?

DUHNA… DUHNA… DUHNA…DUH NA NA. THE BIG DAWWWWG GON’ HUNT! YARDS AND THINGS! GRASS AND SHRUBBERY WITH A LOVELY WATER FEATURE!

Samoa Joe comes to the ring with his towel, perhaps to dry off Romans hair. As this match started I was hopeful that Braun Strowman would show up covered in twigs and tire marks having walked from that arena in Dallas 8 days ago to Nashville here tonight to let Roman know he’s not finished with him…then sends out Mr Burns style lawyers to begin litigation for the old attempted murder there at Great Balls Of Fire.

BRAAAAUUUUUNNNNN.

That darling angel Braun shows up and kills everybody, it was magical. Are we supposed to hate this loveable beast for his revenge attack on his attempted murderer? However, shouldn’t it have been a DQ? The ref actually ran away, he wasn’t even on screen.

Braun leaves as Samoa Joe and Joe The Samoan lay dead in the ring. All of a sudden four referees appear as if by magic, silly. The show goes off the air with four walking examples of poor writing and booking just hanging out in the ring making sure the Samoan Joes are still alive rather than make a decision on a DQ. Why do WWE annoy me like this? I question these referees and their training.

It’s over, that’s Raw. The last hour was fun!

 

Takeaways.

Roman and Braun are phenomenal together.

Samoa Joe is the best thing on TV right now.

I hate The Miz and Dean Ambrose so much it gives me strength.

Jason Jordan – LOL. Hopefully it’s fun, but LOL.

Balor is the only over babyface on Raw, use him.

WWE have the worst commentators on planet earth.

This show is not a Wrestling show anymore, it’s a show about Wrestlers.

The matches are booked so poorly and rules are not implemented, make me believe!

Steven Murphy
2Bit Sports Co-Founder. Junior Vice President of Corporate Affairs, Creative, Live Events but also Third floor Janitor. Gaming Editor, Manchester United loudmouth. Whatever I am actually employed to do I probably did it earlier. It's on your desk, I'd say. Its safe to say that I call 'em as I see 'em. Be warned, I hate a lot of things. It's easier to count the things that I do like. I probably hate you.

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